I woke this morning feeling shocked by the violent and visceral dreams last night.

I was murdered- my wrist slit and arm held high as I write that I realize I have seen that image before- in Hinterland when the protagonist saves someone’s life by holding their self inflicted slit wrist in the air. I found it intensely shocking, so much blood shown as there was in my dream, and also so much violence perpetrated upon each other. I woke with a start thinking I need to accept myself, we need to accept ourselves and others, and something about it being an illusion- a play and therefore it was really important to make the artifice explicit.

It led me to thoughts that the PhD process is so much about holding one’s nerve (Iain said that to me when he visited Cornwall) confronting the fear that I am not good enough cannot do this will be shown to be a fraud. It’s as much about learning how one negotiates and manages that deep fear and insecurity as much as anything else. 

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