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University of Winchester. Another day another conference paper! On the seemingly endless train journey there and back I re-read my diary entries from around the time of Chris’ death last year. They took me back into the moment and I’m surprised how clearly I wrote what i wanted to do and then did it – the power of clear intentions. I noticed last night as I was getting in the bath that Chris’  small leather pouch, that I have worn round my neck as he did has a hole in it, time to stop wearing it –  a whole year every day every night only taking it off to shower/bath; now is the time to remove it possibly as I start to get skittish about dating again? I will still wear his watch/compass not ready to stop that yet.. 15 hours of travelling and attending the conference to deliver a 20 min paper ( the speakers I wanted to see clashed with my own presentation) I wonder and the equation of energy expended to worth gained. It was however very validating to get such positive feed back from Lucy, who had seen my presentation at the previous Death Day (when I was an MA student) and had specifically wanted to see my next one because she had been so moved and loved the combination of words and images. She said yesterday’s felt like a film, which I would translate as performative. I felt I rushed it , was unsettled and challenged by engaging and conversing; the fact of it being so close to the anniversary of the funeral (today) meant I felt slightly ghostly betwixt and between a place of the living and the dead.

I want to communicate today with those that were instrumental in the process and preparation of the funeral thank them again, acknowledge that they set aside their own lives to come and so willingly assist in mine. What a difference that made and continues to make; it was and is a powerful acknowledgement of how much I am loved and that tempers the loss.

Photo (on rollover) by Rob irving

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